God I don't know why I feel this way, or simply I do.
I know no other way to be.
Other than this which I am.
And I've gotten so used to this feeling,
the knowledge that I'm drowning in my own defeat,
that most days I try so hard to ignore it,
or hide from it,
or pretend that this isn't what I am.
And yet I know of nothing else to be.
I am nothing but this shell,
this empty vessel or portal,
waiting to be dismissed
into the vast void of nothingness.
And on these days
that I can not hide from these thoughts,
these days that my essence screams back in terror,
and I can no longer avoid my own intentions.
These are the days that scare the hell out of me.
These are the days that I want to crawl
back into the darkness
and wish everything else away,
return to the nothingness that I truly am.
I could cry but it does no good.
I could scream but no one would hear me.
I could try to push it back again,
but there is nothing to hold it in place,
to restrain these echoes and the knowledge of what I am.
This chaos does not confine me,
it makes me quiver in agony,
and my heart pulses faster and faster,
hoping to explode before I can react
or realize the pain that is my reality.
I know better than to ask what you think,
or how you feel,
for you have no understanding
of this chaos and agony
within my soul.
You don't understand the feeling
that nothing is ever what it should be,
that there is no way you can ever attain
the simplest of desires,
that the future will never be able
to equate evenly to the past,
much less come out ahead.
These desires I hold within me,
I know they are not right.
I know better than my own knowledge,
and yet, how could I continue to be so wrong?
This evil within me rips at my veins
and the sorrows I bleed retain no defeat.
These dreams of the future
pour sour stains upon my broken flesh,
the cuts becoming deeper in this deafening silence.
There has never been a better time than now
to realize that this world does not exist.
And yet, here I am,
lost within its chilling grip.
